6 Steps To Creating Amazing Marriages
publication date: Oct 14, 2009
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author/source: Brenda Shoshanna
By Brenda Shoshanna
 Most of us have many dreams about what relationships would be like or should be like. We’ve lived with these dreams forever, so when the real thing happens and we find ourselves in a relationship, reality can be quite a shock. Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their marriage is different from the way they had thought it would be. The first step in truly understanding relationships, however, is to realize that what we dream about or imagine, is not necessarily what is going to happen to us. And that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us or our relationship. It just means that we didn’t know what to truly expect. Today, I am going to provide you with some free advice in the form of six facts that no one ever told you about relationships that are important for you to understand. These principles have provided help in keeping a marriage by helping you discover that your relationship can heal naturally when certain core issues are addressed. 1) Relationships are not static. They can, will and must change. No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will always grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. This has to be accepted and included in the relationship. It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, like the same things, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you may have different tastes or interests doesn’t mean that the two of you aren’t in love. For relationships to remain vital and healthy it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires; at the same time it is also crucial to make room for differences between you. This doesn’t necessarily mean you are growing apart. It may just mean that you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run. 2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. Many people expect to feel “in love” with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feelings as though they can’t wait to see the other person, and miss them if they’re gone. These individuals must learn the crucial difference between loving a partner and being “in love.” Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. There are times they appear and are very enjoyable and at other times they fade into the background. This does not mean something is wrong or that you do not love each other. Love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Although it is wonderful and important to set aside time for romantic time together, the daily routine of life requires a much deeper understanding of what it means to truly love. Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person, and that is what relationships are for – to help us grow in our ability to discover what love really is. 3) Love is not dependency. It’s all right to be who you are, be different from him, have friends and activities of your own. It’s also all right to give him time with his friends and private space. Love always includes trusting the other, and the knowledge that the more your partner is able to enjoy others, the more he will be able to enjoy being with you. The less you suffocate and possess him, the more he will want to be with you. The less you let him suffocate you, the more you will love him and the more he will respect you. It’s fine to be two, separate, whole people. On that basis, a lot of love can grow. 4) Being angry doesn’t mean you do not love each other. Some people feel that as soon as they are angry with their partner or their partner is angry with them that the love has gone out the window. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship. But being angry is not a sign that he doesn’t love you, or you him. It is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. Ongoing communication is the heart and soul of every good relationship. When we bottle up our needs and feelings and pretend to be who we are not, then all that has been hidden will explode through anger. But when we recognize anger, irritation or resentment as it arises, and freely discuss our needs or responses with our partner, not only does the anger diminish, but our relationship grows closer. Take anger as a sign that you are having an opportunity to communicate more and know each other better. Let it make you closer, not farther apart. 5) Even though you’re together all the time, you still must make time for one another. Actually, you must carve out more time for each other when you live together. When you are living together it’s easy to take one another’s presence for granted. Just because the person is present physically, does not necessarily mean you’re sharing quality time with him or her. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whirlwind of activity, with not enough intimate time between the two of you. Carve out intimate time when the two of you are alone. Visit a special place. Make time to talk and hug. Find time to have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done at least weekly. 6) Being together for a long time doesn’t have to take the magic away. It’s wonderful to have someone at your side, who you share experiences with year after year. There is no way to replace a person who you’ve gone through many years with, sharing common experiences and memories. The sense of continuity and trust that can develop between you is a jewel. It is wonderful to wake up each morning, knowing this person is at your side. As the years pass you know each other better and better, and whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As our ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and the joys intensify as well. What can help restore a marriage? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships, and what makes a relationship work for them. The eye-opening self-help e-book program on modern relationships Save Your Relationship at www.truthaboutlove.com offers an authentic understanding of men. It is based on the foundation of 120 clinical case studies, in which men shared their most private thoughts and feelings. It changes the way women think about men, and provides you with new insight, concrete methods, and practical steps which show you how to heal your marital problems and create happiness for both you and your spouse. About the Author  Brenda Shoshanna is one of the leading authorities on how to make relationships stronger, and what makes them fail. Psychologist, speaker, radio show host and author, her latest book is Jewish Dharma (Guide to the Practice of Judaism and Zen). Visit her Website www.jewishdharma.com and www.progressiveradionetwork.com for more information. Email: topspeaker@yahoo.com |