Interpersonal Creativity: The Most Important Phrase for Improving Your Intimate Relationship
publication date: Jun 24, 2009
By Todd Creager
As a marriage and sex therapist practicing for 26 years, I am convinced that as challenging as it is, we can have passionate, loving, healthy relationships with our intimate partner. Clients come in with all kinds of problems and reasons for having them. I can definitely appreciate the complex and multiple factors that contribute to relationship issues such as family of origin, cultural, biological, and gender differences, temperament issues and many others. Despite that, I have discovered a crucial variable that extends across all other factors that helps determine relationship success. That variable is: “Am I, as a partner, interpersonally passive or interpersonally creative?” At any moment, no matter what factors may be influencing our experience, we can choose to be interpersonally creative or passive. The Definition of Interpersonal Passivity Interpersonal passivity is what we do when we go with our “emotional current,” similar to floating down a river with the current. It takes no energy to flow down a river; the water just takes us. Likewise, most of us are interpersonally passive with our partner during emotionally charged moments. We act automatically in order to reduce the intensity of the emotional charge. Our role models (parents, grandparents, etc.) have shown us how to be reactive. Most of us have seen our parents resort to some “fight or flight” behavior in dealing with emotional pain. For example, if one parent showed anger, the other would get defensive or yell back (fight) or physically leave or emotionally withdraw (flight). This kind of ineffective dialogue could go on for a long time, unless of course one parent leaves. We typically did not see any resolution to these kinds of problems. The reason we tend to be interpersonally passive is because we want to immediately reduce our bodily tension. This is accomplished through a fight or flight response like our parents modeled for us. If I yell, my tension gets temporarily reduced. If I leave, my tension gets temporarily reduced. Of course I use the word ‘temporarily’ because since nobody’s pain is truly being dealt with, the emotional charge of the pain will re-emerge, often more forceful than before. So, in a nutshell, interpersonal passivity buys us temporary relief from bodily tension. The Problems of Interpersonal Passivity 1. It does not improve the relationship in any way. No listening is going on, neither partner feels that the other cares and there is more emotional disconnection between them. 2. Physics teaches us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If I react to you and go with my “emotional flow”, you will probably react back to me and go with your emotional flow. My passivity/reactivity does not get me more of what I want from you, unless I want your defensiveness, your aloofness and/or your anger. 3. Behaving this way does not help me develop any emotional muscle that is needed not only to succeed in personal relationships, but also to other areas of life such as work. Success in all areas of life often involves “swimming upstream” and we cannot afford to always go with what immediately reduces our tension. The Definition of Interpersonal Creativity You have the power to influence other people’s behavior. You have the capacity to bring out more of what you want from others including your intimate partner. When you think, perceive, speak and act in ways that lead to bringing out more of what you want from your partner, you are being interpersonally creative. Having an interpersonally creative relationship takes work and discipline, just like painting a beautiful picture or composing a musical piece. The artist does not paint any old way, making brush strokes in a reactive, knee-jerk fashion, and the musical composer does not just throw any group of notes together; creating a beautiful painting or a pleasant melody requires some discipline, experimentation and continued modification until the artist or musician gets more of what he wants. This can be a thoroughly enjoyable process. Creative relating is no different and also requires discipline, experimentation and continued modification. The Ingredients of Interpersonal Creativity 1. Evoking “Good Vibrations” Before you make a statement to your partner, ask yourself if saying it will give you more or less of what you want from them. The answer to that question will help you make the decision of whether or not you should say it. Also, there are many positive things you could say or do to uplift the relationship as listed in the next section. 2. Be willing to tolerate some tension during communication. Instead of trying to convince your partner that you are right (which often is the unconscious or conscious goal of communication), change the goal of communication to giving and receiving emotional information in a way whereby the giver clearly expresses him or herself and the receiver is not diminished in any way. This goal is not as easy as it seems; it takes emotional muscle to redefine your communication goals. It is not natural for us to let go of the competitive way we communicate. We tend to try to be “right” as a way to reduce our tension. It is important to see the benefits of experiencing tension without trying to get rid of it too quickly. As you develop the tolerance of experiencing this tension, it buys you time to be creative and do constructive acts such as listening and having empathy for the other person. Developing the tolerance of experiencing tension allows you to accept two different realities, ways of perceiving, wants, etc. Instead of conquering the other, you learn to coexist “as each other is.” Paradoxically, the more you allow the other person to think and feel what they want, the higher chance they just may see it more your way. Connecting like this leads to a de-escalation of pain, which then may lead to a more objective outlook on things. This de-escalation needs to happen in order for the person to assimilate new information, especially if this information is somewhat painful to that person. 3. Be willing to make your relationship an interpersonal adventure. Marriage is as much of an adventure as skiing on the advanced slopes, bungee jumping or going on an African safari. The problem is that people view marriage as a haven, a place to relax, and get a respite from the stresses of work, childrearing, etc. The truth is that if you want to have a passionate, stimulating marriage, you need to allow your marriage to stretch you, challenge you and get you on your edge. Your marriage needs to feel “risky” at times. There has to be a feeling of interpersonal danger on a consistent basis, then possibly cycling with periods of comfort and rest. 4. Get curious. Be humble and assume that you do not know your partner very well. First, there is a lot more to your partner (and yourself) that is apparent. As Shrek said in the 2001 Disney movie, “People are like onions.” There are deeper layers and I suggest that you become interested in your partner’s depth. With that attitude, you may be more receptive, learn to ask open-ended questions and will feel closer to your partner. Secondly, people are always changing and growing. Your partner’s desires, feelings, preferences and beliefs will change over time. Get curious about this fascinating person that is your partner. Things You Can Say or Do to Uplift the Energy of the Relationship: 1. Set aside a few minutes a day to think about something you can do or say that would feel good to your partner. If you do not take time to put those moments aside, you will probably go on automatic and not do any of the things on this list (or anything else you might have thought of). 2. Think of the positive traits of your partner and give her compliments consistently. 3. Write her a love note, whether you feel like it or not. 4. Ask your partner what you could do that would make him feel terrific, and do it. 5. Initiate a date and follow through. 6. Decide to listen to the feelings of your partner you have been defensive about before. Tell your partner that you want to listen to what she has to say and promise to not interrupt. When she does talk, focus on her and do not try to correct her or defend yourself. 7. Try something new and slightly out of your comfort zone that you believe will be pleasing to your partner. This could be something sexual or playful. 8. Write him a love poem. It does not have to be a masterpiece. 9. Work on your weakest area of your relationship. For example, if you are not good with feelings, try to express some. If you tend to let your partner do the lion’s share of the parenting, tell your partner to take the evening off and that you will deal with the children. If you tend to have a hard time being playful, let go as much as possible, put your to-do list aside and have some fun. 10. Remember to accept the fact that you are different from your partner. Consistently find out what makes your partner “tick” and do the compromises necessary so that both you and your partner can thrive. None of this is easy because it usually means we need to be more aware and put effort into our relationship. I believe we have just begun to “scratch the surface” of our potential as loving, stimulating partners. Experiment with some of these ideas and see what works. Think about other areas of your life where at first it may have been awkward or uncomfortable to try something new and creative. If you stuck with those past endeavors long enough, you discovered new capabilities. These new capabilities may have opened up areas of your life you did not have before. The same things can happen for you as you practice interpersonal creativity. Be willing to be awkward and feel “like a beginner” with some of the new things you say or do. These courageous actions will open up new areas of your relationship and bring more enjoyment and pleasure to both of you. About the Author Todd Creager is a marriage and sex therapist in private practice for 26 years, currently in Huntington Beach, CA. He has written a book titled, The Long, Hot Marriage that has been endorsed by John Gray and Harville Hendrix, among others. Visit his website: www.toddcreager.com. |