It's
often mistakenly thought that conflict is a matter of who's right and
who's wrong. We tend to believe this because when we are in
disagreement with another person, we tend to foster a competitive
attitude against them. We adopt a "Them" versus "me" attitude and its
this framework that causes simple conflicts to become aggravated
arguments. Well, conflict is really not about righteousness, but more
about needs and interests.
If we understand the basic needs of the other person, we can side-step
competition and focus on cooperation. Here are three basic needs that
angry people have. Understand these needs and you will be able to
persuade an angry person towards cooperation.
Need #1: To Be Heard & Acknowledged Without Evaluation
During interpersonal communication, the other person has a need for you to listen to their ideas and to acknowledge them. The
need to be heard also goes with the need to express one’s inner
feelings without the fear of evaluation, judgment, or reprisal for
making it known.
Need #2: To Have Options & To Practice Independence
Autonomy is a basic human need. We
hate to be forced to do anything without a say or choice in the matter
and many of us will resist or defy just based on not having a say in
the matter. Parents are the best experts on this need. When
we tell our child to go to bed or to brush their teeth, or to eat their
vegetables, or take their medicine, what is the #1 response? “No.” It’s
not so much that they don’t agree with the decision, but merely that
they want to exert their own independence and free-will into the
process. As adults, we are no different, we’ve just found more creative ways to articulate “No.”
Need #3: To Have Answers, Explanations, & Reasons
Realize that everyone has a curious nature. It is programmed in us. Once our interest is sparked by something, we usually can’t leave it alone until we get a satisfactory answer on it. Therefore
if we shut someone down with a position that offers no explanation or
reason, then this will create resistance and resentment. Bureaucrats
and authority figures often get into the bad habit of telling people
that nothing can be done because “its policy” or “its the law.” This shuts them down without offering an explanation to them that satisfies their need. Their only recourse then is to take it out onto the person by making them the villain.
About the Author
Tristan Loo is the founder of the Self Improvement Association (SIA) and a leading authority on
human potential and personal effectiveness. As a life coach, author and
presenter, Tristan has inspired thousands of people all over the world
with his passionate message of overcoming adversity and creating the
ultimate life that they desire. His vision is a world where everyone is
able to achieve their dreams in life. His life is dedicated towards
facilitating that dream.
